As a child, I grew up not believing in Santa Claus but I did wish that fairies were real – tooth fairies, whatever fairies – I wanted them to be real. There was no hassle for me to pretend to be a good girl just so I could have presents on Christmas day. I wanted to be good because I just want to. Don’t get me wrong just because I never believed in him. I had a fair share of a fairytale-filled childhood. But I only chose the things I believed in. I think that is true up until now.
Back then, whenever I was asked what wish I would like to be granted, I would always say to turn back time. I wanted to go back and see the smile on my parent’s faces when I was born. I wanted to go back and undo things I now realize were wrong. I wanted to work on building my own time machine so I can fix things, get better grades, be the best. I wanted to go back and see what things I could have done better. I wanted – wanted, meaning it’s in the past. Because I want something else now.
I started to accept the fact that no there is no such thing as time travelling when I entered highschool, that not even in any parallel universe (if there is such a thing), will I ever have the chance to go back in time. I know, every now and then, I still think about what ifs and could have beens, but I’ve accepted the fact that things happen for a reason (reasons, in some case) – a lesson, a consequence, a test – and whether they brought me joy or caused me pain, they happened in my life for my own good.
There are things that I wanted to have back then that just don’t seem to matter to me anymore. Places I would have wanted to go to that just don’t seem to bother me anymore. Millions of words I would have wanted to let chosen people know that just don’t seem important anymore. True enough, there is nothing constant in this world but change.
I look back and ponder on the events that happened, the trials I faced, the people who went away as fast as they came, the laughter that deafened the people I love, the millions of buckets of the tears I cried, the intense emotion of anger I have felt in the past years – all these made me the person I am now. I might have experienced a lot of pain for the past 20 years, some as consequences of a decision I have made, others, self-inflicted, and the maybe the rest as a part of test. But during my quiet moments, I realize that all the pain I went through may have, in some point, caused me to be weak, but the experiences just made me strong. The pain was proof that everything was real – the event, the person, the feeling – most of all, I am real.
I’m turning 21 next month. If asked now what I want to wish for, I pray for longer patience, for a wide understanding, and most of all acceptance. I have to stop thinking about the past if it’ll just go on and bring me down. Instead, I will use it as a motivation or a push or a drive or something to help me cope up with what’s in store for me in the near future. I’ve been through a lot – and when I say a lot, I mean A LOT. And if I go on and turn back time, I might have not met the people who make me happy right now, I might not have faced the challenges I had to for the past years, I might not have been this confident, this outspoken, this… wonderful. I might not have been the best daughter, sister, friend, student, officer – whatever I’ve been in the past – but I’m totally not who I was before.
I believe, therefore, I am better. And in time, I will be the best.