More than friends, less than lovers

January 17, 2012

I don’t know why a lot of us let ourselves hang on to something we are uncertain of. Why we let ourselves have a share of something so obscure when we can have something that’s crystal clear. Why we let ourselves indulge in a complex set-up when we can have exclusivity.

It’s crazy how a lot of us think that having it halfway is better than not having at all when in fact, it would hurt twice as much, not being able to fully have that one thing you want the most.

When I try to think about it, that “no strings attached” setup, or the “I-have-you-but-not-really” feeling, they all spring up from 3 F’s.

Fear. Fear of rejection. Fear that you might blur out what you two have when you ask that next level question. Fear that you won’t be able to keep him/her well. Fear that you might actually fall in love and get hurt. Fear of disapproval from family and friends. Fear of commitment. Fear of everything that might actually come when you two choose formality. It is fear that hinders a person from having that chance to truly fall in love. To think about it, our fear of getting hurt is what hurts us the most. It deprives us to run a risk, and for at least one moment in our life, feel all that there is to feel. It deprives us of what makes us human. And now when you choose to be in that “nobody-knows-what’s-really-going-on” setup, you expose yourself to what you have feared the most – pain.

Fun. Fun of what’s happening. You want to be in that set-up because of the adrenaline, the excitement, the thrill. Thrill of guessing where you are in someone else’s life. Thrill of whether or not the feelings have developed. Thrill of all the chase. You set your mind that it’s fun, therefore it becomes fun . You tell the whole world that you’re in an open relationship, and that you have that someone, but you’re not together. Because it’s fun. Yes, you might tell yourself that you have genuine feelings for the person, and at most, you might even tell the whole world. But just because it’s fun. You’re inlove with the idea of not having someone to the fullest level, because it’s fun. Because the chase, well, the chase makes you shudder. And you think it’s fun. But love isn’t always fun. Because if it is, it’s not love at all.

Fakery. This is nothing but utter nonsense. You enter a “flirtationship” just because you want to do things with that person without the actual pressure of commitment. Just to score, nothing else. No emotions involved. And then you try to look for other options, other people to share those short moments with, just to feel alive. Just to escape from all that there is to run away from. And what hurts the most is that, he/she might actually let you believe that he/she does things only to you, or you might be the person doing this to many people, but boy, is it easy to lie. Even the most credible people have averred a lie. Fakery isn’t fun. It’s bunkum. It is egoistic in its very sense. It’s self-centered and proud. Therefore it can never turn into love.

Despite all negative feedbacks people have given on and on for years about uncertain relationships, still we choose to have a share of it. We hope. We take risks, We fail. We give whatever we can give, but not all. We hesitate. We perplex ourselves. We try to play safe.

We tell ourselves that “This cannot be…” or “We shouldn’t do this.” and “We shouldn’t do that.” But we end up eating our own words. Because no matter how many boundaries you set, how many walls you put up, how many rules you imply, you give in a little bit more than what you’ve agreed upon. Till you realize that playing safe just adds to the pain. And that the pain of not having it is not as great as the pain of uncertainty.

In the end you’ll realize, you had your share of the most unbelievable thing: a story that has ended but has never even started.

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