Is this a sign of maturity?

September 17, 2013

As a child, I grew up not believing in Santa Claus but I did wish that fairies were real – tooth fairies, whatever fairies – I wanted them to be real. There was no hassle for me to pretend to be a good girl just so I could have presents on Christmas day. I wanted to be good because I just want to. Don’t get me wrong just because I never believed in him. I had a fair share of a fairytale-filled childhood. But I only chose the things I believed in. I think that is true up until now.

Back then, whenever I was asked what wish I would like to be granted, I would always say to turn back time. I wanted to go back and see the smile on my parent’s faces when I was born. I wanted to go back and undo things I now realize were wrong. I wanted to work on building my own time machine so I can fix things, get better grades, be the best. I wanted to go back and see what things I could have done better. I wanted – wanted, meaning it’s in the past. Because I want something else now.

I started to accept the fact that no there is no such thing as time travelling when I entered highschool, that not even in any parallel universe (if there is such a thing), will I ever have the chance to go back in time. I know, every now and then, I still think about what ifs and could have beens, but I’ve accepted the fact that things happen for a reason (reasons, in some case) – a lesson, a consequence, a test – and whether they brought me joy or caused me pain, they happened in my life for my own good.

There are things that I wanted to have back then that just don’t seem to matter to me anymore. Places I would have wanted to go to that just don’t seem to bother me anymore. Millions of words I would have wanted to let chosen people know that just don’t seem important anymore. True enough, there is nothing constant in this world but change.

I look back and ponder on the events that happened, the trials I faced, the people who went away as fast as they came, the laughter that deafened the people I love, the millions of buckets of the tears I cried, the intense emotion of anger I have felt in the past years Рall these made me the person I am now. I might have experienced a lot of pain for the past 20 years, some as consequences of a decision I have made, others, self-inflicted, and the maybe the rest as a part of test. But during my quiet moments, I  realize that all the pain I went through may have, in some point, caused me to be weak, but the experiences just made me strong. The pain was proof that everything was real Рthe event, the person, the feeling Рmost of all, I am real.

I’m turning 21 next month. If asked now what I want to wish for, I pray for longer patience, for a wide understanding, and most of all acceptance. I have to stop thinking about the past if it’ll just go on and bring me down. Instead, I will use it as a motivation or a push or a drive or something to help me cope up with what’s in store for me in the near future. I’ve been through a lot – and when I say a lot, I mean A LOT. And if I go on and turn back time, I might have not met the people who make me happy right now, I might not have faced the challenges I had to for the past years, I might not have been this confident, this outspoken, this… wonderful. I might not have been the best daughter, sister, friend, student, officer – whatever I’ve been in the past – but I’m totally not who I was before.

I believe, therefore, I am better. And in time, I will be the best.

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1 Comment

  • Reply Aysen Achurra Asuero January 13, 2016 at 1:22 pm

    YAY! I can highly relate to this post of yours Ms. Rej! Very accurate yet, inspiring.

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